title: 2
date: Thursday, February 7, 2008 @ 3:18 PM
Happy new year!
haha yesterday clarisse teo and i were on our way up back to class from the toilet , when we met miss ong! :O anyway we were pretty taken aback. so I, the brave one decided to GREET her (since the consequences of not doing so are rather uhm, undesirable). And on top of that i decided to say HAPPY NEW YEAR too!!!! haha and she replied with a "same to you!" :DDDDDDDDD and that very moment clarisse and i decided to burst out laughing. -.-
right. anyway, i cant believe i'm still doing geog! i think my answers are becoming horrible, because it's all based on the textbook and wikipedia! no notes!!!!! i want handouts and notes!! pooey. and i have a horrible si han and chinese worksheet waiting for me to complete!!!!! ><
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argh. and i was thinking about life and i realised it was horrible and nerve wrecking thinking of it because it makes you suicidal one minute, and the next minute you feel lucky to be able to live. It is almost everyone's dream to be able to live life to the fullest and meaningfully but how are you suppose to know what is meaningful? plus, when i say living it meaningfully i don't mean doing all sorts of wonderful and wacky things before you die/during retirement because thats not really LIFE its merely a lousy 5-10 years of "goodness" after you spent 40-60 years being lousy. Of course, some people do not have a choice, they could have been forced to do so, say you were some slave or whatever. However most of us are able to make decisions in our lives and we have the freedom to choose what we want to do. But unfortunately (in my case at least) we don't know what to do/choose! argh.like in the first place i don't really know how to determine the meaningfulness of life! so i asked a friend and she told me living life meaningfully meant being happy and doing things that one enjoys or likes or feels happy about. thats sounds right, but then there's another problem because i don't know what i'm happy about! As in, you're always afraid that what you deem happy now may turn out to be miserable for you in future, or that you are unsure if happiness really means this or that to you.
and to me, the worst thing is that your views/dreams/wishes/aspirations/values are all influenced by society and people around you! and it's not longer truly you, but more of a stupid mirror, reflecting other people! and its hard to completely withdraw from that because you can't! your decisions are affected by your friends, your teachers and parents expectations and what is deemed to be "perfect"! i'm going nuts! because if you do something that is completely you and very different or unorthodox, and no one else does it, you start feeling insecure! The fact that nobody is doing it makes you start to wonder if that is really what you want, since no one else does, you think that you might be wrong! but yet if you do something that seems "right", then you feel you've lost your individuality and will begin to think that it may not be good for you!following which, you turn crazy like i currently am now. and you feel that life simply sucks and there's no meaning to it since its so hard to find the meaning!
BUT THEN, it doesn't end there! and before you start thinking of ways to end your life, you realise that the world is so beautiful and that you are lucky in many ways to be able to receive education, love from your family, the ability to interact with others etc etc and how you are able to type/blog/use a computer while some other people can't! so then you decide that you can't end your life too! Life is so extremely multi-faceted and if it was a diamond, it would blind all the tai-tais/socialites/richblokes/showoffs/whatnot because it is simply too horribly glaring but yet stunning all the same!
i do not understand how something can be good and bad at the same time. one thing i do know for sure is that it tortures you every minute you think of it. ergo, you give up thinking of it for the time being and run off to do something else distracting like homework. which i am going to do now.
but i can never run away from the issue!! it is forever existing! and i need an answer, but then of course the answer is supposed to come from me, like you know what people say, listen to your heart, but that is trash! your heart cannot think, it is a merely a muscle that keeps you alive, and it cannot speak! there is no way you can listen to it! as in, you can, but it just goes "thud-thud"! and its not speaking in Morse code. you can't translate long thuds and short thuds to form words! if that was the case lives would be saved from just listening to "long thud-long thud-long thud , short thud-short thud-short thud , long thud-long thud-long thud" which would mean "S-O-S" and your doc would send you to the ICU or operating theatre or whatever and you would live! that only proves to show your heart can't talk to save your life, much less make important decisions for you.
thats truly enough for now. i will go and do geography and think of happier things like my angpow money! ^^
